Raoul's Revenge
by museforsale
Summary: Everybody make for the trees and protect the children: Raoul’s got a marker! And this Fopppio will stop at nothing to get what he wants all of the fop bashers terminated, along with a ducky named Shooku.
1. HOw Christine got her Mustache

Raoul's Revenge

Summary:

Everybody make for the trees and protect the children: Raoul's got a marker! And this idiotic fop will stop at nothing to get what he wants, all of the fop bashers terminated, along with a ducky named Shooku

Raoul de Chagney searched his kitchen for the perfect weapon of mass destruction. His wife, Christine, came in and saw him crouched in the corner mumbling about going to Bismarck with that cheese (needed to put that…when I slept over at my friends house she was sleep talking and said this).

"Raoul?" she called to him. "Raoul honey, what's the matter?"

"Haven't you heard of this, this…FANFICTION, Christine?"

Christine shook her head and motioned for him to continue.

"Well, it an awful thing that obsessed fans write about perfectly innocent people, demeaning them in the most insanely smelly way possible, and they hurt my llama!"

Christine looked at him, utterly confused. "Llama, Raoul? We don't have a lla-"

"Yes," continued the raving idiot. "Yes, and do you know what they said about me?"

She once again shook her head.

"Every single one of them…THEY CALLED ME A FOP! WROTE AWFUL STORIES ABOUT MY FICTIONAL IDIOCITY FOR PAGES ON END!"

"Oh, that's horrible!" said Christine raising her hands to her mouth.

"Yes, yes, I know. And do you know what they say about you? They say you are a whore that still loves the Phantom!"

"Well, that's understandable," she mumbled.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. Well, you can try to ignore all these 'fan fictions,' can't you? I mean, it's not like you really are a crazy idiotic fop that is obsessed with his hair and worships a rabid rabbit."

"Yes, I guess you're right…" he paused. "Wait…I read a fanfic that said exactly that! Christine, did you write that?"

"Oh, of course not!" she said nervously, shaking her head. "I mean, we don't even have computers, this is the 19th century after all…"

"Oh really?" said Raoul. He went to the closet and pulled out a laptop and turned it on.

"Well, that's just odd. How is this possible, I mean we don't even have cars yet, how can we have a-"

"Christine, I say this with all of my love and devotion as a husband, but please shut up for the next few hours."

Christine stared outraged at her husband for a few moments, then turned her head. Raoul logged onto and looked up the story that they were talking about. "Ha! It says right here, 'by Christine Daae!' Explain yourself, woman!"

"How can I explain myself when I'm to be quiet for the next few hours?"

Raoul stared at her, outraged. "How dare you talk! Didn't I tell you to be quiet?"

"Well, yes but you see, you told me to expl-"

And suddenly the fop started to cry. "I thought you understood me!" he sobbed. "I knew everyone else thought these horrid things, only a few Raoul fans out there. But I thought you were one of them, Christine!"

"Well, you know, you _do_ get rather annoying-"

"Shush!" he silenced her. "You must not talk. I am going to go on a quest to do something about all these 'fop-bashers!' And I will start with you, my dear Christine."

"Well, what are you going to do? Spray me with that hair crap?"

"No, oh no, much worse." he grabbed her and walked back into the kitchen, searching all of the cabinets for something while Christine stood there impatiently. She gasped as his hand went over the handle of a knife, but then moved as he grabbed the most feared of all writing utensils: the black permanent marker.

"Raoul, what are you going to do to me?" she screamed, trying to escape from him as he gripped her wrist tightly.

"Quiet, my love." He opened the marker and drew a mustache on his wife. "Ha! Now you are permanently scarred for life, and forced to live and awful life, frequently being mistaken for the opposite gender!" He tilted his head back and laughed a maniacal laugh, then let go of the sobbing Christine.

"There!" he said to her. "I hope that teaches you! You shall never again make fun of the great Raou de Chagney! Never!" he walked out of the house, combing his hair infron of the mirror on the way. "I want to look dashing before a journey, you know," he explained. And with that the mad Fop was off, armed with his marker.


	2. Erik

Chapter two

Oh yes, just to tell you this is based off the 2004 movie, if you didn't know

DISCLAIMER: Don't own Phantom of the Opera, don't own fops, and thank god (about the fops. It would rock beyond my prior knowledge if I owned POTO!)

Raoul made his way to a brick road, getting lost in a barrel on the way. He walked up to this old man carrying a sack of potatoes.

"You there! Do you know of any fop-bashers around here?" he asked him.

"You're standing in my cabbage," mumbled the old man, glaring at him. "I want my cabbage back, ruffian."

"Old man, I most certainly not standing on a cabbage! Why, I can even wave my foot up in the air and you will se that there is no cabbage on…" as he waved his foot in the air, he saw that there was indeed a cabbage stuck on the end of it.

"Yes…well, um…anyhow, do you know of any Fop haters?"

"GIVE ME MY CABBAGE!" yelled the old man, waving a stick.

"Now, that is NOT how you address a vicomte! Do not attack me, I shall send my horribly mustachioed wife on you!" But the old man started beating him with the stick, and eventually he gave in, running away screaming with his hands waving in the air.

"HERE'S YOUR BLOODY CABBAGE, YOU PEASANT!" he yelled, throwing the smashed vegetable on the ground. He noticed a newspaper on the ground and stared at it for a while, as if he was in a retarded trance. Then he came around to reading it.

"_Great new phanfic made by the infamous Opera Ghost,"_ he read. _"stated what would happen if the young soprano Christine Daae had chosen him over the vicomte, Raoul de Chagney. The story has a beautiful romance between the Ghost and diva, but is not that pleasant on the Vicomte's part. The Ghost states that he is a gay man that wears a bra, and…"_ He chose not to continue, on the grounds of it being too…unbearable for his poor mind. Instead, he made his way to the abandoned Opera Populaire to confront the Phantom, who gave him many nightmares that forced him to wet himself and quietly had to try to change the sheets without Christine noticing. (Which was rather hard, since she was usually on the bed and would wonder why she was wet in the mornings)

He made his way up to Christine's dressing room and instantly looked in her drawers for some garments that she might have left. Not finding any, he went through the mirror and went down the tunnels. But since he has the memory of a rodent, he forgot about the trap door he fell into last time and once again fell victim to it's evil opening ways.

The fop nearly drowned, but Erik came and took him out, before noticing who it was.

"Oh, it's you." he said when he saw that he had saved the man that had taken his wife from him.

"Why did you save me? Speak now, Phantom!"

Erik grimaced at the mention of his nickname, and explained. "Christine thinks I should not harm anyone, or she wouldn't secretly love me anymore."

"She loves you? Oh, well. You can have her, anyway. She has a mustache now."

"Oh, she does?" said Erik, disgusted. "Well, does she also have a…you know…"

"A what? Beard?" asked the fop clueless.

"No, lower…"

"Hairy legs? Cause I can assure you, she does not have-"

"No, higher…"

"Hairy back?"

He sighed. "Lower."

"Hairy armpits?"

"I SAID LOWER, YOU IDIOT!"

"Hairy back?"

"You already said that."

"Well, higher or lower?"

Erik sighed again. "Lower," he muttered. The stupid man will never get it.

"Hairy butt?"

"Other side."

"Hairy…OH! I GET IT! I don't really know, I didn't really have sex with her yet."

"But you married her," said Erik, trying not to laugh.

"Well, it would be rather hard to have sex with a man."

"But you refer to her as…well, her."

Raoul shrugged. "Well, no one really knows, now don't they…"


	3. Attack of the Vegetable Man

Chapter three

Attack of the Vegetable Man

"Well, that's oddly disturbing…" muttered Erik, staring at the cold stone floor with a disgusted face.

"Yes, well, it was nice seeing you again, Opera Ghost!" said Raoul, shaking his hand. And with that, he ventured back up to the surface. He was almost at the little cottage that he and Christine lived in when he remembered his quest, and went back to the Opera House. Since he has the memory of a rodent, he fell in the trapdoor again. Erik, knowing who it was, proceeded to poke him with a long stick.

"Ha!" said Raoul, pulling out his marker after he got back on dry land. "I must scar you for life! And even worse, I'll do it on your DEFORMED side!" Ha…Ha…Hahaha!"

"Oh yes," mumbled Erik sarcastically. "Like that'll really make me look much worse, it's much more awful if you write on the side that's already covered by a mask."

Raoul stood there staring at him, trying to comprehend his big and complicated words when they heard someone coming down. A few seconds later they found out it was Christine.

"Erik, look at what that awful man did to me!" she cried, not noticing the Fop. Erik silently pointed out this 'awful man' to her, so she acknowledged his not welcomed presence.

"Hey, Erik! Who's the dude? A stagehand?" asked the idiot, gesturing to her.

"Why Raoul! I'm your wife! And why on earth did you do this to me, you…meanie robot poopy head!" (Thank you, Livvy)

Raoul and Erik gasped, Christine never spoke such fowl language. They all just kinda stood there staring at each other until Raoul suddenly sang, "ring ring ring, banana phone!"

He picked up a banana which conveniently happened to be right there and talked into it. "Old man Jones is stuck in a well? I'll be right there!" he set down the phone and singing Holiday, crouched low and started 'sneaking' around, using super secret ninja moves. (Confused? I have this friend Livvy, and at lunch she did this. It was funny.)

"What are you singing?" asked Erik.

"Green Day." he answered.

"This is 1880, we don't have that kind of music yet."

"I don't care!" he started crying again, until they heard someone else coming down again, then he ran around waving his arms in the air screaming, "It's the Apocalypse! It's the Apocalypse!"

The old man with the vegetables appeared, and started throwing vegetables at the three of them until they ran out of the Opera House, screaming.

"Well, that was odd." said Erik, looking around.

"Oh yes, I almost forgot again!" Raoul drew a mustache on Erik and ran off laughing maniacally.

"What was that about?" Erik asked Christine.

"He's going to draw on all of the Fop Bashers. That's his quest. Oh yes, you look hotter that way." she replied.

Erik gasped. "We must stop him! Oh yes, and thank you" So they devised a super-secret-plan to stop the fop, meanwhile…

Raoul ran through the street, when a duck crossed infront of him. He picked up the duck, and hugged it.

"I'll name you Shooku!" He said. Shooku bit Raoul on the nose, and waddled off.

"Owie! Curse you, Shooku! I will get revenge, you hear, you evil little bird! I WILL GET MY REVENGE!"


	4. Entrance of a Phangirl

Chapter four

Entrance of a Phangirl

OMG CHECK ME OUT, I'M UPDATING! w00t!

Disclaimer: Don't own POTO yet. I tried, I really did. O yes, if you hear that Joel Shumacher and Andrew Lloyd Webber got thrown into a lake...it wasn't me...(shifts eyes)

Raoul once again forgot about his quest and, being scared of the large and frightening box he happened to walk into, decided to find his way back to his house. When he was halfway there he ran into the duck, Shooku.

"GAAAH IT'S YOU!" He screamed and kicked the duck. Soon the old man with the cabbages came.

"ANIMAL ABUSER! CABBAGE DESTROYER!" He attacked him with his stick. Raoul screamed and hid behind the nearest person, who happened to be Erik, who had Christine with him.

"Hmmm hmmm hmmmmmmmmm..." he mumbled, looking up at him. "You look slightly familiar. That mask you have really stands out...Is your name...yes, you're name is Paul, right?"

Erik glanced at Christine. "This is the man you thought you wanted to live with?"

"Well, you know...he is kind of rich...and he SEEMED...appealing...for the first few seconds I saw him, at least." (Wow, a lot of hesitation)

"And those seconds were enough for you to run off with him then..."

"CAN I WHISPER WITH YOU, TOO?" screamed Raoul.

"If THAT'S what he calls a whisper, I'd hate to see what his yell is," Erik muttered.

"It's enough to drive you insane," replied Christine.

"It must also be enough to trigger menopause, judging by the look of your facial hair."

Christine glared at him. "That was unnecessary."

Raoul blanked out. "Hey it's the Angel of Music!" he said, pointing to Erik. Then he turned to Christine. "And you're a walrus. Mommy said that I'd never be smart enough to identify animals, but look at me now." He beamed with self-satisfaction.

Christine sobbed. "Everyone in this phic seems to hate me!"

Erik walked over to Raoul and whispered something in his ear. They both giggled, but immediately stopped when Christine turned to them.

All of a sudden Raoul jumped up. "My marker senses are tingling."

"If that sensation is coming from your pants…don't worry, it's just me." mumbled Christine.

Raoul started growling and ran toward a phan. Just before Raoul was about to pounce on her she held out a set of shiny keys.

"Look, fop…SHINY!" Raoul instantly fell to the ground staring at the keys.

"Who are you? Another person that'll make fun of me?" asked Christine sulkily.

"Don't worry…its just menopause. Her temper'll be allright soon," Erik muttered to the phan, getting a well deserved glare from Christine.

"Um…I'm the Fop Hunter!" said the phan. "I've been sent by the Authoress ((here I am!)) to help you on your quest to stop…that." They all stared at Raoul, who proceeded to act like a dog.

"Well, then great, join the club. Maybe you can replace Miss Aging over here." Erik pointed to Christine.

"Hey, I'm only seventeen! And I'll bet you CAN'T replace me."

"Yeah, well I'll bet I can," replied the Fop Hunter.

Raoul stopped panting and stood up. "You know, talking walrus, she strikes a rather hard bargain."

"Raoul, the big people are talking," said Christine sweetly.

"Yeah, Christine. You should probably shut up too…after all you are only seventeen," laughed the Fop Hunter. Erik gave her a high five.

Christine had nothing to say to that.

Raoul looked at the 'walrus', to the Fop Hunter, then Erik, then back at the 'walrus.'

"Hey, you're my wife! Can you make me a ham sandwich today? I never really liked the egg ones…"

Christine stared at him. "Are you an idiot?" she asked.

"I'm not sure…" he mumbled. " I'm a fop, I'm a person, I'm a Vicomte…So I must be an idiot, too!"

"Perfect reasoning!" said the Fop Hunter.

"Don't make fun of my husband!" screamed Christine.

"Well, I'm sure it's kind of impossible, since he pretty much makes it come to him," said Erik.

"Ha! Erik's on MY side!"

Christine gave him those cutesy eyes. "Erik…what about me?"

Erik stared at her. "Well, you are defending your stupid lover now, and are being really moody…"

"Well, FINE!" she screamed. "I suppose I'll just go with Raoul then!"

Erik and the Fop Hunter laughed. "Hey, look…Christine's the dude and Raoul's the dudette!"

Christine went into a fit and ran off, dragging Raoul with her. Erik and the Fop Hunter proceeded to laugh, until Shooku came up to Erik and tapped his leg.

"Yeah?" Erik said, looking down at the duck.

"Hello senor. I am Shooku, the talking duck. I shall be honored to help guide you on your quest to stop this _idioto_."

"Sweet." replied Erik. "A Spanish duck."

* * *

Meanwhile…back with Raoul and Christine…

"Raoul, is there any way to get rid of this marker?" asked Christine, examining her face in a shop's window. The store manager was staring at her strange.

Raoul looked around nervously. "Well…to tell you the truth…there is…"

"What is it?" she asked.

"Come close," demanded Raoul. When she did, he licked her upper lip. Christine pushed away from him, and when she turned back to the shop window she noticed the marker was gone.

"Raoul…how did you DO that?" she asked, amazed.

"The marker comes off with saliva!" Raoul beamed proudly. (lol I just watched Spongebob, to anyone who ever's seen that episode at least Spongebob and Patrick won't lose their butts) "But Christine, my dear you must never tell anyone my secret!" Because if you do, then people will no longer fear me!"

"People fear you?"

"Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?"

(FYI, I put the Fop Hunter in here because I'm in one of her stories ((YAAAAY)) so if you would like to join her, Erik and Shooku...hint hint...or if you want to be with Raoul and Christine you don't have to do anything, just ask. I will make fun of you though)


	5. Entrence of the many Phangirls

BELLASERA　Mrs. Gerard Butler WanderingTeen　Mouse in the Opera House

Chapter...UMMM...

Erik and the Fop Hunter stopped at a Starbucks (which happened to magically appear for the first time, convieniently when they turned the corner) Erik had Shooku on his shoulder, when a random phan ran into them screaming.

"WHO ARE YOU?" He yelled.

"My name is Friend of mine, a random phan that asked the authoress to put me in her story, but since my review was not signed, the authoress suspects me to be her real life friend who doesn't have an account named Marina, so we shall now call me Marina. How are you?"

"That was a very long sentence," Erik commented.

Fop Hunter pulled out a rifle. "This town ain't big enough fer the two of us." MArina brought out numbchucks.

"BRING IT AWN!"

"Actually Fop Hunter, we should let her join us. I mean, she IS a phan, and she could help us find Raou; land Chrstine."

Marina shuddered. "Not the Fop and Foppess..."

"No I believe the foppess happenes to be Miss Emmy Rossum." said Erik. (If you don't get it, read my most latest chapters in Harry Potter and the Idiots of the Iceberg. You don't have to read it all to get what's going on, it's like a fifty page story)

Marina stood up straight and pointed toward thestreet. "MORE PHANS!"

A crowd of phans came rushing toward them.

Erik did a happy dance. "Yaaaaay I have phans!" All of the phans stopped and atared at him.

"Did you just do a happy dance?" asked one of them.

"Yes, and who are you to ask that?"

"I'm Ms. Gerard Butler." she replied smugly.

"Where's your husband?"

"I'll get him." She disappeared for a few seconds, and came back with Gerard Butler.

Erik stared at him. "You look like a mirror..."

Another phan came up to him. "I'm Bellasera."

Another phan shoved Bellasera out of the way. "I'm the Wandering Teen."

A mouse scurried up to them (I deciedd to make you a mouse due to your username, hope you don't mind) "I'm the best because I'm the Mouse in the Opera House!"

"Who says you're the best?" demanded Ms. Butler.

"Yeah, my wife is better than you," said Gerry.

"I says I'm the best because I'm a mouse!"

The phans started into a fight about who's the best. Erik cut in. "Hey, you're all .the best because...umm...BECAUSE I HAVE PHANS!"

"If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have as much," muttered Gerry.

"That isn't true! What about michael Crawford and Lon Chaney and all those good people?" asked MArina.

"Ummmmmmm..."

"YOU HAVE NO NEED TO FEAR CAUSE THE AUTHORESS IS HERE!" Everyone looked at where the voice came from and saw a tall (shut up people that know me I can dream cant I) japanese phan.

"If you're the authoress, then cant' you just bring Raoul and Christine here?" asked the Fop Hunter.

"Well, the problem ois that I type with both of my hands, and although my right hand wants this story to end like that, it is my left that likes it the way it is now, so yah..."

"Well then can't you just type with your right?" asked the Wandering Teen.

"Let me try...(seriously, I am typing with my right hand now)"

Raoul and Christine appeared a few yards away.

"OMG I'M MAGIC! O yes my name is Joce by the way. It's cool to have people calling me the Authoress, but if I don't hear my name often I might forget it..."

"YAAAAY let's get them!" said the Fop Hunter, shining her rifle.

'We shouldn't kill them," said the Mouse. "We'd have to go to jail.

"I know! We'll get ice cubes and pour it down their backs!" said Gerry.

"That's awesome! Great idea, Gerry." Wandering Teen said, patting Gerry on the head.

"GET AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND!" screamed Ms. Butler.


	6. HELP FOR DESPERATE AUTHORESS PLZ

Hello sorry no update yet. I'm just on a total writer's block here, and I just can't write funny...it's weird...I've tried like, four times but nothing is good enough, which is why I haven't updated for awhile. And also cause I was like, extremley busy drawing portraits for people, but bleh...

So if any of you can, like, suggest something I would really greatly appreciate it, then I could get the ball rolling, and, y'know, people would stop threatening me :P...


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